


if i’ve killed one man, i’ve killed two

by bgaydocrimes



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Guilt, Self Loathing, for the love of god someone please just hug judy, sorry in advance for the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24493999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgaydocrimes/pseuds/bgaydocrimes
Summary: Even after Steve's death, Judy's guilt about the hit and run is overwhelming and she doesn't deserve Jen's comfort. She gets it anyway.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 19
Kudos: 107





	if i’ve killed one man, i’ve killed two

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place at some point during S2. Steve is dead and buried but we haven’t had that garage moment (which I literally cannot stop watching I mean jesus christ).
> 
> I feel pretty strongly that Judy likely has PTSD from the night they hit Ted, and I just felt like getting into that a little bit. I think this is a one-shot but we’ll see. 
> 
> Title from Sylvia Plath’s Daddy because the parallels just make it feel weirdly appropriate here?? (She wrote this after splitting from her husband Ted who cheated on her after a miscarriage and wished her dead, and uses her father as a metaphor to point to the traumas men inflict on women). 
> 
> Special shoutout to @myfairwendybird for talking this through with me and indulging me in my high rambling about how much I love this ship.

It was happening nearly every night now. 

Judy’s guilt had become a festering wound, a constant unwelcome companion whose presence she tried to hide. It had invaded her soul, tearing through her body and leaving her a hollowed-out carapace of a person. The pain of unshakable memories was moored inside her despite the fact that she and Jen had come to an understanding about Ted’s death. Judy knew Jen said she blamed Steve, had even let slip in small asides that she knew Judy wasn’t the one in control; she knew Steve was abusive (a thought even Judy hadn’t let herself have); that Judy would have stopped immediately. But the shame had sunk its claws into Judy’s heart and she relived those moments nightly. She’d wake up gasping, wracked with dreams that would never relent. The sound of screeching tires, the soft thud of the windshield spiderwebbing. Then her heartbeat, drowning out all the other sounds as she reversed. Steve yelling. 

_Drive, stupid!_

She woke up every time drenched in sweat, heart seizing with panic and guilt. 

She ended a life. 

She killed someone. 

And not just anyone, but Jen Harding’s love of 18 years. God, getting to know her had only compounded Judy’s remorse unbearably. Jen, the woman who selflessly invited Judy to move in after only a couple weeks of friendship, who she heard many nights sobbing into a pillow or the spray of the shower, who smiled at her over breakfast every morning and called her “family”. 

She didn’t deserve to be here. She didn’t deserve to be loved by Jen or those beautiful boys. She destroyed their family, ripped their lives apart. Jen had said as much when she was angry and no longer worried about sparing Judy’s feelings. 

These nights made her spiral. She’d make breakfast the next day like a zombie, the horrible sounds of that night on a loop, drowning out Henry’s excited morning chatter or Jen’s hounding of the boys to finish eating and get out the door. 

_Drive, stupid! You fucking idiot - oh my god - what did you do?_

Judy started staying up late in an effort to avoid the inevitable. Most nights Jen joined her. They’d split a bottle of wine and either end up laughing or crying, depending on the day they’d had. It was healing. Despite Jen’s forgiveness, Judy still felt that deep need to make things up to her; to make her happy and make her life easier, and the carefree sparkle in Jen’s eyes lightened the burden of guilt on Judy’s shoulders each time they did this. 

Tonight they were tucked under the covers in Jen’s room, legs tangled beneath the blankets for warmth, teeming glasses of cab balanced in their hands as they talked over a muted TV. 

Suddenly, from outside on the street below the sound of tires and brakes screeching broke the stillness of their haven. Jen would hardly have noticed but for Judy’s exaggerated wince. 

“Jude? What’s wrong?” Jen reached out slowly to take the wine glass from a now-frozen Judy’s grip. She set both glasses down on the side table and turned back toward the other woman to find her eyelids fluttering and breath coming in quick, sharp bursts. 

“Judy, honey-” Jen plied as she reached out to place a hand on Judy’s knee, trying to encourage her back and capture her attention. 

“No! Please!” Judy whispered, digging her teeth into her cheek to try to ground herself. She could feel her tenuous hold on reality slipping as the sound of Steve yelling and the smell of old car seat leather started to feel more real than her presence in Jen’s bedroom. 

Jen pulled her hand back into her own lap, unsure of the best way to reach Judy.

“Okay honey I’m not touching you. You’re okay. What’s going on?” 

Judy was murmuring something under her breath, eyes now clenched tightly, her face set in a grimace as she repeatedly clutched her right hand around nothing. Eventually Jen was able to decipher Judy’s muttering and she immediately felt her stomach drop out of her body. 

“wehavetogobackwehavetogobackwehavetogoback”

That coupled with the screeching tires that set all this off painted a picture that made Jen’s teeth clench and her heart ache. 

_Drive, stupid!_

“Stop, stop, stop!” Judy cried out and Jen stole a glance at the hallway door hoping desperately that her boys, thankfully heavy sleepers, would manage to stay asleep despite the agonized cries echoing from the bedroom. 

“Hang on, sweetie. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. I’ll be right back.”

Jen jumped to her feet and hurried to the en suite, turning on the shower spray and bathroom fan in hopes the white noise would offer Judy some privacy. She took an extra moment in the bathroom to shakily attempt a deep breath while wiping tears from her face. Fuck. Judy was having a flashback to the accident. She was reliving the very moment Jen had agonized over for months. Jen felt sick to her stomach and incandescent with rage towards Steve. The fucker. 

“NO! no no no.” 

Back in the bedroom, Judy raised both hands, clenched into tight fists, and began beating them against the sides of her head. Judy’s desperate sobs drew Jen quickly back into the room where she knelt down beside the bed, catching Judy by both wrists and halting her self-inflicted violence.

“Judy - Jude, baby, you’re here with me. Everything’s okay. Please.” Jen pleaded, tears streaming down her face at the sight of Judy’s distress and the reopening of these old wounds. She had long forgiven Judy for her part in Ted’s death but the memories of that night were still too raw and too painful. 

“Jen! Fuck! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” Judy cried as a wave of lucidity washed over her, bathing her in horrified embarrassment and shame.

“It’s okay, honey, it’s okay. You’re not in that car, you’re here in our house with me, and the boys.”

Judy groaned in agony at the realization that Jen knew what she was reliving. She could feel the flashback pressing at the edges of her consciousness, the pounding, all-encompassing shock and disbelief fighting to take over again. 

“Stop. Stop! Stop stop stop.” Judy begged, gripping Jen’s hands tighter, trying to ground herself in reality. She wasn’t sure if she was begging Steve to let her stop the car or begging Jen to stop being so caring or pleading with her own mind and body to let her go. 

Jen was in full maternal mode, every protective instinct in her body bristling with the need to envelop Judy, bring her back to earth, resurrect Steve just so she could fucking kill him again. 

“Steve’s not here, honey. It’s just you and me-”

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Jen. I’m okay honestly I just need a second I swear -” Judy rambled as the shame and remorse bloomed in her chest. How could she let Jen comfort her? Hold her hand while Judy relived the moment she killed her husband and left him on the road to die?

“Judy, you’re not fine. It’s okay, you’re working yourself up again just take a breather, please”

“N-no. Seriously Jen, I’m good.” A small sob interrupted Judy’s words and made it evident they were a lie. She could still feel the panic gripping her, heart pounding as it had when she was in that car and she couldn’t focus. She had wanted to go back, she had wanted to reverse, but Steve was yelling and his words echoed in her head, over and over. _Stupid - idiot - drive - what the fuck is wrong with you_? 

She felt the same overwhelm now, the memory of Steve’s words mixing with Jen’s attempts at comfort. Her Jen, offering caring words she would never deserve. How could she even touch her when she knew what she’d done? How could Jen look at her knowing she was fighting the panic of having _killed the father of her children_ , leaving him there at that bend in the road at 1AM while the life slowly left his body. Alone. 

“Honey-”

“Just FUCKING STOP!” Judy shrieked, Jen freezing in the middle of running a hand up and down her shoulder. Judy pulled away and scrambled off the bed, wrapping her arms around her waist as she began pacing back and forth. Jen just watched, eyes widened slightly as she tracked her movements at the foot of the bed, trying to keep up with the shifts in Judy’s mood and behavior. 

_You hit my husband and left him to die. You’re a fucking sociopath._

Judy dug her nails into her palms, anchoring herself in the present and relishing the pain she so deserved. Jen was pushing down her own emotions to try to make Judy feel better, but she knew what Jen really thought. Judy knew what she had done was unforgivable. 

_I fucking hate you. Stay the fuck away from me._

“Stop being so nice to me, Jen. I don’t deserve it.”

 _Stalker_.

“Of course you do, you-”

“No! You’re not listening to me!” Judy whipped around, arms thrown wide as if she were baring herself for Jen’s scrutiny.

“Okay, okay,” Jen softened her tone and raised her palms in acquiescence. “I’m listening.”

_You know what you can do? You can disappear off the fucking planet._

“You really want to help me?”

“Of course, Jude, I-”

“Tell me you hate me.”

“What?!”

_If I see you again or you go anywhere near my family, I will shoot you in the fucking head._

“Tell me again that I ripped your life apart. Tell me I murdered Ted and you hate me for it.” Judy pleaded, now desperate and certain this was the only way to make things better. She needed Jen to not hold back. 

She deserved her anger.

“Judy, what?! This is fucking insane. I don’t- I can’t!”

Jen winced, remembering all she had said before she’d had time to process Judy’s involvement in Ted’s death. 

“Just do it, Jen! Fucking tell me,” Judy hissed. “You said it before - you fucking hate me! I hit Ted on that road because I took a curve too fast and then I left him there to die while you called him over and over and over again praying he would answer. _My_ foot on the brake and _my_ hands on the wheel. I’m the reason those boys will never see their dad again. You should have bashed my head in too! Tell me!” 

“No!” Jen shouted, grabbing Judy by the shoulders and digging her fingers in in a plea. “I don’t fucking hate you, and maybe I should okay? But I just love you. Judy, I fucking love you.” Jen sobbed, overcome with grief and agony and love. “Please- please stop. I love you, Judy. I love you.” 

Judy collapsed against Jen and they fell to the floor together, sobbing into each other’s arms.

“I need you to hate me, Jen. I hate me. Please hate me; I don’t deserve you.” Judy rocked back and forth with each plea, face contorted in anguish. 

“Judy, oh Judy.” 

Jen cried harder than she ever had in the presence of another person, finally letting herself feel everything she had been pushing down. She let the sensations overwhelm her. Her agony at losing the father of her children, her rage at finding out he had been cheating on her with someone half her age, the fury she felt towards Steve for making Judy feel small and undeserving, for screaming at her and ordering her to leave Ted bleeding in the street. The overflowing anguish of seeing Judy hurting herself, believing that she deserved to be mistreated like that would even the playing field.

Sagging into Jen’s arms, Judy finally yielded. She didn’t have any will to fight left. The sensations of that night in the car were still so tangible to her and she felt the ever-present guilt refusing to relent, still trapping her body in its pernicious grip. Jen, underneath her prickly exterior and behind deliberately-constructed walls, was a genuinely incredible and truly forgiving human. Judy would never deserve her. But maybe she could try. 

Jen cradled Judy to her in the silence of the passing night until they had both run out of tears and were teetering on the precipice of passing out from exhaustion. She felt empty, like all her grief that had been accumulating over the last 12 months (or years, if she was being honest) had finally spilled over, saturating her and Judy both. Nothing felt better, it was still so many different levels of fucked up but there was something to be said for not keeping it inside anymore. She couldn’t let Judy keep struggling under the weight of her remorse and if that meant she had to deal with some of her own shit first, then so be it. She didn’t let herself dwell on the fact that she had never wanted to be better like this for Ted. Jen felt her knees protest as Judy shifted against her chest and she finally felt the exhaustion catching up to her. 

“I’m too old for this, Jude. Bed?” Jen whispered, tapping against Judy’s leg and signaling to help her stand up. 

Judy nodded slowly, still fathoms away from here underneath an ocean of bad memories. 

Jen half-carried Judy back to the disheveled bed and placed her under the covers, then left to turn off the shower and exhaust fan, move their abandoned wine glasses, and turn off the TV. By the time she returned to the bed, Judy had fallen asleep. Jen slid into bed next to Judy who looked angelic, she thought, with the soft furrow in her brow and long lashes resting delicately against the dried tear tracks on her cheeks. Jen reached out and with her thumb smoothed the space between Judy’s eyebrows and swept her bangs off her face as she slept.

“I love you.” Jen whispered, and turned out the light.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> TY for reading! 
> 
> Comments mean everything to me - I would love if you'd let me know what you thought!


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